THE LOST SOUL!

 

All these years she has been loving the people she wanted  in her life but never once  stopped to ponder or to deal with the pain of  not being loved back equally.  Never once she tried to seek anyone’s attention. Maybe because no one made her think that love is hard. 

Then one day she meets her first love with whom she had a serious crush decades ago but never had the courage to reveal it.

They two became good friends, exchanged few mails and she gets happily immersed in her new world of  friendship. She was torn apart when she came to know that he was still single. Her heart and mind was filled with outpouring love and affection for him .  Love has different versions. For her it was a motherly affection. She craved to hold him in her hands never letting him go. She wanted to give him all the love he deserved in this life. There wasn’t even a trace of lust in it.

One day with all her innocence she opened up her heart to him. She confessed about the unsaid love she had for him decades ago.

Then?  The very next moment her love , her feelings , her emotions , her friendship  everything starts getting judged by the person whose love and attention means a world to her.  Her love for him was pure, persistent  and continuous. But he failed to recognize it . He ignored her presence , her messages but never missed an opportunity of pleasing his other women friends.  

It’s when you get ignored or pulled down by someone you love , you start thinking of your self respect and self worth, right?  She finds herself standing at the cross road not knowing which way to move.

But it was too difficult for her to step back  so she deliberately chose to step into the hot burning fire. She chose to burn her soul .  She thought that it would be less painful than the pain of letting go  of her love . She who has never compromised her dignity at any cost shamelessly  started negotiating, bargaining and begging for love. She who never surrendered her self worth before anyone cried loudly showing her weakness. She apologized for the mistakes she never made .   Whenever she exposed her vulnerable side she got deeply hurt. 

 She wrote him several times that she expects only a good friendship from him  but her voice went unheard.  A small gesture of kindness and compassion from him would have protected her heart , but he  never did.

At times of immeasurable pain she decides to let go of her love and seek hibernation , never coming out of her cell for days, for weeks, and sometimes for months. But it was like pouring more oil to an already burning fire inside her.  She fails miserably. She bursts out of her cell . She hides her pain , pretends to be happy and becomes socially active again.   She ends up seeking his love again and again. 

Never once he turned  to look back at what’s going within  her. He  ignored her as if she is some ugly worthless creature.

The day she found an article regarding  ‘INFIDELITY’   shared by him in facebook was the most horrible  period of her life.  She knew the contents in it was directed towards her.  How devastating it is for a woman who has lived  her life carrying certain principles and values to know that her character is being defined by using certain parameters . For the first time she wished she had never been born. She prayed all the Gods she worshiped to call her back from this cruel ugly world. She preferred death. But she has to live for the people who loves her. The life must go on.

Yes , she is married . But is she prone to infidelity as long her love is not mixed up with lust. Can’t a person love another person irrespective of gender.   

But she doesn’t want to blame him . She won’t curse him. She still loves him with all her heart. She can’t bring herself to leave . She chooses to step over her heart  trying to ignore the shredding pain . Yes,  it  deteriorates her mental health.  Slowly she’ll be prone to mental illness. That’s the best revenge she can do to her heart for loving a heartless man.

Advertisements